somebody that i used to know

most of my ideas for writing come when i’m going for a run in the morning, generally inspired by a song that may come on. a certain song came on a few days ago and i found myself replaying it 5 times, focused more on the lyrics than my breathing, and i started to brainstorm ideas of how i could tie it into my writing. sometimes i’m able to sit down that same day that i get an idea and hash out the entire thing. other times, i keep it in my drafts and work at it little by little until it’s complete. today, i was inspired enough to finish this entry.

i know what you’re all thinking just based on the title of this entry. “oh look, another entry where he calls people out and plays the victim.” (this is why we can’t have nice things.) to be entirely honest with you… i thought about it. there are three people who originally inspired this entry, and i’m sure they all know who they are. the man who left me scarred, the girl who betrayed my trust and used it against me, and the friend who used me for their own benefit. if any of you are reading this, you know which one you are. but, that’s not the point. i didn’t want to sit here and essentially bash the people who are no longer in my life, because, honestly, where would that get me? i started this blog with a focus on self-awareness and opening myself up to the people around me. i wanted to be transparent with my emotions and the things i have done in my life.

so who’s the focus of this entry, then? well, as the title says, somebody that i used to know. that somebody, is me.

my most recent entry focused on my relationship with alcohol and the things that i did under the influence. while a lot of the shitty decisions i have made in my life were influenced by alcohol, i’ve done plenty of things completely sober that i’m not proud of. i don’t look back on situations with regret, because every decision i have made has shaped me into the individual i am today. mostly, i look back on the person that i was to those around me and realize, i was a pretty fucking terrible person to be around. i recently took an 8 hour trip with a friend and she opened up to me about having previously distanced herself because i was awful to be around and frankly, i don’t blame her or anyone else who felt the same way. i was filled with so much negativity that you could barely hold a conversation with me without me complaining about something or putting someone else down only to make myself feel better. i had zero work ethic and was more concerned with gossiping and/or talking badly about people than i was actually performing well at my job. i lost out on a pretty amazing promotion based on my attitude, and i had my boss tell me that no one wanted to work with me because i was such a negative person to be around. to be honest with you, at the time, i didn’t care. none of that bothered me because my head was clouded with so much bullshit that i thought i could do no wrong and everyone else must have just had a problem.

some of this behavior stems all the way back to middle school & high school. while i always had a core group of friends that i’m still friends with to this day, i don’t think i was particularly liked by many people. i talked badly about virtually everyone i came in contact with and went out of my way to put others down and make them feel like they were beneath me. i’ll admit that some of it was a defense mechanism that carried on through adulthood. i always had the mindset that if i hurt someone first, they wouldn’t have the opportunity to hurt me. however, that’s no excuse for texting a girl and telling her that the world would be better if she just killed herself. i am eternally grateful every day that said girl is now one of my best friends, i consider her daughter my niece, and refer to her mother as “mom,” but that doesn’t change what i did. i truly got so much pleasure out of making other people’s lives miserable and would even make fun of complete strangers, again, just to feel better about myself. i did and said a lot of things behind people’s backs and looked for every opportunity i could to throw somebody under the bus in hopes that it would help me in advance in some way and i lied about everything under the sun to appear innocent.

there are so many bridges that i have burned for absolutely no reason other than my own selfishness and i’m slowly trying to regain those friendships little by little. it’s going to take time, and i know there are plenty of people that i need to really prove myself to. maybe some of those people are reading this right now, and maybe they aren’t. as i’ve said with all of my writing, i don’t write for anyone other than myself. there’s certain people that i know will never see my writing even though an entry may be written directly to them. all i know is that the person i used to be is truly, someone that i used to know and i’m happy to say goodbye to that person. friendships and relationships these days are so delicate (cue my next entry that i’ve already started) and i don’t need to jeopardize them with my own negative bullshit.

i always struggle with finishing up an entry, and i’m reflecting back on this one thinking to myself, “fuck, this was laid out terribly and there’s so much more you could have said.” can’t win them all, and i can’t strain myself striving for a perfect entry. sometimes, the best entry is one that you don’t think a ton about and it just flows out. if you’re still reading this, thanks for following my journey and putting up with my jumbled thoughts. until next time, and i’ll try not to take another 2 month break.

sebastian

photography by hannah ziegeler/hz photography